“I can’t explain myself, I’m afraid, Sir. Because I’m not myself you see”
– Lewis Carroll.
Let’s carry on the sordid tale of the battle against the repugnant parasite that’s turning my brain into my nemesis, shall we?
6th May 2019.
I managed to pull out Anxiety’s sharp nails from my spine. I was able to close my eyes and not be transported into the darkest parts of my imagination. I thought I had banished the douche canoe out my body… no such luck. Naivety can be such a little wench sometimes.
As the evening came around, sitting in bed relaxing, I had a tingle up my spine. It was then I knew I was being pushed into a way worse and scarier place than I’ve ever been before.
“Thought you got rid of me Dily? Haha, you naive little girl. Now I will really show you the suffering I can cause, little pathetic puppet of mine.”
And show me, she did.My eyes clouded over and I was surrounded by darkness. I felt like I was suffocating; my heart rate was uncontrollable, my voice was stuck in my throat. I couldn’t let enough air into my lungs to regulate my breathing. I lay down in bed and closed my eyes hoping that I could just relax if I just let go – she’ll get bored of you if you don’t react.
Just let go…
Just let go…
Pressure in my brain, pressure behind my eyes. Anxiety has released insects into my head. She’s toying with me. Close your eyes, it’ll pass…
Images of being in a hospital bed came to view, an out of body experience, if you will. I look down and see wires coming out of my arms and I’m crying. I’m all alone, I’m going crazy — no, I am crazy — in this hospital bed.
OPEN YOUR EYES, IT’S NOT REAL!
New images of car accidents. My family distraught and crying. “If only she could’ve pulled over in time before she passed out at the wheel.”
OPEN YOUR EYES!!!!
My clouded eyes became clearer, yet my body started to not feel right. Sickness. WHY CANT YOU JUST LEAVE ME BE!! Anxiety has a way to trick my body into believing that if I’m sick, I can make her disappear, but that isn’t the case. She’s always there, readying her tools of tourture and torment.
7th May 2019
I’ve had enough of this demon sucking out the life from me. I can’t live this way. I can’t wait the three days till the appointment at the doctors. Three days is too long, I need to see someone now. I walked into the doctors surgery covering my tired and tear-filled eyes from the world with sunglasses. I broke down to the doctor, saying I need to get control. I can’t not have control and I will do anything to get me through this. I need my armour fixed and I need the weapons to destroy this witch. I’m out for blood, I’m ready for war.
I was starting to loose weight from the sickness, and it was starting to worry me how quickly the weight was dropping off my frame. To stop the sickness and deter the symptoms the b**** was bleeding into my body. I was prescribed beta blockers.I was on the beta blockers for two days, I started meditating and doing regular breathing techniques throughout the day, and it helped. I made progress. I’m stronger, I’m in control, I’m not your toy. I’m mine and mine alone.
21st May 2019
I can feel my heart beating at a steady pace. I can hear the world moving on around me. The sound of the clock, tick, tick, ticking as the minutes and hours go by. I’m safe.Ever since the day I readied my armour and weapons in my head and body to go to war with her f***ery, she’s stayed away. I know she’s there, lurking in the shadows. She’s waiting for me to let my guard down, but that won’t happen. She’s taken me down her maze of personalised darkness and despair, and I’m never venturing down it again.
Anxiety is dangerous, she’s a venomous snake, but a cowardous one at that. She won’t bite you if you’re not scared of her presence, and I’m not, not anymore. But ohhhh, I’m furious. I’m sitting typing this after reading over my writing from the start of this whole ugly state of mind, and I’m FURIOUS. Silver linings are a curious thing; its funny how, if you’re willing to look hard enough, they’re even situated within some of the hardest times in your life. Thank you Anxiety, you vindictive piece of s***, my glistening bright silver (no GOLD) lining is I know what I need to fix in my head. I’m not scared to get help because I don’t ever want to experience you rearing your ugly head ever again.
I love my life, I love my family and I love myself enough to not let you take control of me. So I’m going to therapy, I’m hashing out all the good bad and ugly parts in my life to take away your weapons, and I’m going to rip you apart, piece by piece. I only wish you could feel the amount of pain and sadness you’ve bestowed upon me, but oh, am I looking forward to destroying you!